Overcoming the Friendship Recession

Driving through North Phoenix with my kids, I passed Einstein Bagels where I spent a summer working when I was 17. I could almost smell the fresh bagels coming out of the oven and my friend Johnny laughing as we joked with the baker in Spanish. He’s the one who got me the job there, but when was the last time I even talked to him?

How do friendships — like ones built over bagels, bad jokes and cream cheese — melt away before you even notice?

Keeping friends feels harder than ever these days. Maybe it’s just me, but between having a second kid and working remotely for five years, 2024 hit me with a big realization:

I crave deeper friendships.

Maybe it’s just me, but everyone seems busier these days. Or maybe they’re just tired. I’m not sure anymore.

It could be that I had my second kid in 2024 or that 2024 marked 5 years of working remotely.

As my time with my family grew, I decided I wanted to spend more time with people in person and less with people online. And so naturally, I started spending less time on social media and started to realize something…

For the majority of my career, I’ve found friendship in online communities (e.g. Twitter/X, LinkedIn, Discord). While these friends have helped me through lonely times — like moving to Seattle at the start of the pandemic — I realize I’m now at the stage in life where I crave deeper connections. And with having a family, I’d prefer that to be in person.

Spending less time online made me realize I don’t have those connections IRL anymore. At least not as many as I had originally thought. Social media gave me some of that, but something was still missing.

My Experiments in Building Connection

Instead of just complaining, I decided to experiment. How could I fill my social bucket in meaningful ways?

I leaned into two initiatives in 2024. The first was a Bilingual Family Play Group.

I’ve talked about raising my daughter bilingual after 2 years and one of the things I was missing was community! Community of like-minded parents who value bilingualism and speak Spanish. So in 2024 (well, actually might have been 2023), a friend I met through a Facebook group and I started a WhatsApp group to organize monthly bilingual play dates.

What’s cool is the group has served as a natural Friendship Magnet¹. It gives me an excuse to stay connected with people.

One night at a restaurant, I overheard a dad speaking Spanish to his daughter. A quick chat later, and he was joining our play dates. Without the playgroup, that connection wouldn’t have happened.

The second initiative solved a more personal need. I missed office water cooler chats, wanted to meet local tech folks, and needed something that didn’t take time away from my family, so I launched Cowork With Friends.

The basic idea that you go work from a coffee shop for a few hours with other remote workers. And to my surprise, it caught some momentum!

We had folks launch groups in other parts of the city including Downtown Mesa, Downtown Phoenix and even in other states like Nevada!

Now, you’re probably thinking, “This seems like a solid solution! So why didn’t these work out?”

It’s not that they didn’t work out. Both are still happening, but they lead me to another realization…

Yes, these give you social interaction, but one of the biggest factors of deep friendships is time. And the reality is, spending 2-3hrs a month with people means you’ll need years, maybe decades to rack up the hours that lead to deep connections.

And when you’re 30+ years old, have a full-time job and multiple kids, it’s going to be really difficult for that to happen. Nothing is impossible! But the odds are stacked against you.

Falling Back to Old Friendships

My next thought was, “Okay, if new friends are hard to make, what if I try to deepen my existing friendships?” One of the advantages I have currently is that I live in the same city where I grew up. It’s also where a lot of college friends move after Tucson.

I thought deepening old friendships might be easier, but life-stage differences and geography make it tricky. Friends at similar stages of life and similar values live out of state. Local friends tend to be at different stages of life — not married or no kids. It’s tough to align.

While I have decided to invest in these friendships even though we don’t live in the same city, I still haven’t solved my initial problem of deeper friendships in person.

Social Media is Junk Food

So if moving isn’t an option, and I’m longing for these friendships that suffer from the Geography Dilemma, shouldn’t social media fix this? Wasn’t that the whole point?

It was! And I think it worked in the beginning because it was a supplement. But at some point, people started treating it as a meal replacement.

Our natural instinct is to look up someone’s social media instead of call or text them. Phone calls feel like a lost art.

Social media once felt like a connection supplement, but now it’s treated like a replacement. It’s easy, low-effort, and creates a false sense of closeness—like junk food for relationships.

Solutions to the Friend Recession

After spending this time spiraling and wishing the friendship recession wasn’t a thing, I’ve decided to stop complaining to myself and actually do something.

Here’s my work-in-progress solutions to avoid the junk food and not let my friendships die.

Intentional Mindset

A friend of mine who’s 10 years older shared some wisdom last year and said, “One of the things I’ve noticed about getting older is that you have to be more intentional with friends.”

And for some reason, that stuck with me. Everybody gets busier, either:

• getting married
• focusing on their career
• starting a family

It might feel one-sided if you’re always initiating things, but people will appreciate it. And years down the road, you’ll thank yourself as well.

Be intentional with whom you want to keep in touch.

Surprise Calls

The beauty of the out-of-the-blue phone call. I stole this one from my childhood best friend, who has been doing this for years. I think he started in college.

I like to call them “surprise calls.” Here’s an example:

*Phone ringing: Joe Previte

“Huh, I haven’t talked to Joe in months, I wonder what he wants.”

*They pick up

“Hey! I had to drive across town today, so I thought I’d call to catch up if you have 5 mins!”

The beauty of surprise calls is:

• no planning needed
• doesn’t have to be long
• feels intentional and thoughtful

And so I’ve started doing this with a few friends, and it’s helped strengthen our friendships.

There will be several times when people don’t pick up, but that’s okay! You just keep doing it, and eventually it becomes a regular thing between you two.

Drop-ins

Drop-ins are my solution to seeing friends in person. Imagine calling a friend and saying, “Hey, I’m in your area. Mind if I drop by to say hi?”

It’s the same benefits of surprise calls, but catching up in person.

Alternatively, you can do it the day or night before and say, “Hey, I’ll be in your area tomorrow around 10am. Can I stop by for a bit?”

This gives them a little bit more heads-up, which some people like.

Be The Change

Pull out your phone right now and text or call an old friend. It’ll literally take 30 seconds.

Or even better, schedule a drop-in and visit someone you haven’t seen in a while.

Let’s bring connection back. Don’t let the friendship recession win.

Footnotes

1. something that you use to attract like-minded friends e.g. could be a club or group or something where there’s a shared interest. ↩